10 things Black People should know about BARACK OBAMA

OK...I am a little worried about some of you. And..we all knew this was coming...although maybe a bit sooner than I expected. Here are 10 things Black people (and people in general) should know about BARACK.

1. IF Barack is elected... and put in the White House in DC..you cannot put this man on your club flyers. Barack will not be appearing in or around your club..no need to give him free bottle service, VIP entry. etc. It isn't happening. Additionally, Barack will not be at Howard's Homecoming, the next spoken word jump off or the next Go-Go / Chuck Brown Concert. Ain't no random Barack sightings gonna happen.

2. DON'T be puttin' Barack in Rap songs. In the same way you don't put your Mother or Father in Rap songs..don't do that to Barack. He does secretly listen to Jigga and Nas like everyone else, but let the man enjoy it by himself.

3. We know everyone is excited about Barack and his chances to become Prez. Ohe thing we have to remember is..if you aren't sure how to help Barack..DONATE CASH. All the BROS BEFFORE HOS t-shirts, Ludacris rap songs, and countless play off the Man's name (BARACK THE VOTE) are not helping. Shoot..it may all be true..but still.

4. Don't ask crazy questions to Barack when he gets elected. If you have a chance to interview him..don't ask about Soul Food in the White House or will he be sittin' next to Jack at a Laker's Game or whether or not light skinned brothas are in. Barack isn't thinking about your crazy *ss at that point.

5. Barack is running for PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. Not the NY Knicks Head coaching job, head of your local fraternity chapter, not lead actor in the next Star Wars Movie, not the next Lil Wayne Re-mix cameo, nor is he doing a stand up national comedy tour. Respect the Man and his craft...and just because he may become president..if you cut up, you still goin' to JI-ZAIL. There is no pardoning for random acts of madness. Barack is NOT your homie..and you don't know someone who knows someone who knows him..ain't no hookups.

6. Barack CAN bust your *ss in Basketball. And if you try to embarass him..the secret service will pop a cap in that *ss and he will dunk on you. Several times. In front of your friends. He will not let you go Kobe Bryant on him (81 points) in public...sorry..alll you Venice Beach/ YMCA ballers that have this fantasy of facing Barack on the court are dreaming. He owns the court and even if you score one off him, he will just diss you..."Yo, I'm about to be president of the United States..whatchu gotta say, pimpin'?"

7. Barack and Michelle are not looking for your "hot couples" accolades. They don't want to be compared to Jigga and Beyonce, Denzel and Paula, Brangelina, Samantha Ronson and Lyndsey Lohan or any couple. You can't front on LOVE..and you can tell they got it..IN SPADES.

8. Barack is NOT exactly like you. He is more like Tiger Woods than you. Maybe not exactly CABLINASIAN but more like: AFRIKENDONESIAWAIIAN (African, Indonesian, Hawaiian).
But yes, he does have nappy hair, and once used a pick like the rest of us. Listening to Barack's book on ITUNES though...there are a couple of moments where Barack is tempted to "go there"..I ain't mad. Barack is my boy...I got him on speed dial, next to Mom.

9. Barack is more equipped to be president than MCain. Uh YEAH. Barack is more equipped to do pretty much anything. The biggest blockbuster of the year hasn't been Batman, Iron Man, Hell Boy, Hancock or anything else. You are witnessing the biggest ENTITY of the year in his prime..enjoy it. They don't come along very often...

10. Barack needs your support and your attention...a very unique time in America and you would be crazy not to pay attention to the issues that are confronting Americans. So please...VOTE FOR BARACK! Ha...you knew i was going there, huh? ;)

MEL B.....TRUE OR FALSE?

How well do you know Melvin? Or..how well do you THINK you know Melvin..let's find out.

TRUE OR FALSE

1. Melvin is from Oakland.

FALSE

MC Hammer is from Oakland. Keyshia Cole is from Oakland. Too Short (Beeyatch) is from Oakland. Melvin is from San Francisco, and he can rap, dance and sing better than all of them.

2. Melvin is a Martial Artist.

TRUE

Well..he was up until the age of 7.  I have two trophies to show for it..2nd place competition and Best Student 1977 (don't be doin' no math right now).  I was the baddest 7 year old kid taking KAJUKEMBO HAWAIIAN style Karate at Jeff Wong's studio in San Francisco.  Don't hate...Hawaiian style ain't no joke.

3.  Melvin is Adventurous.

TRUE

You may call it CRAZY, I guess it depends on your definition.  I have swam with Manta Rays (yes, my *ss was scared) in Belize, Played with Snake Charmers and King Cobras in Morocco (don't get it twisted, those snakes have no venom and ain't even got any teeth), went down lightless streets in Senegal to see YOUSSOU N'DOUR at 3 am, got a holy tattoo from a buddhist monk in Thailand (by hand no less) and live in LA on a daily basis. 'Nuff Said.

4. Melvin likes small Cars.

TRUE

Y'all all talk bad about me...I know.  Until I have a Brady Bunch, 101 Dalmatians, 7 Dwarfs or the Wonder Twins living with me, I will have my 2 seaters.  One person besides me allowed. The rest of y'all gotta take the Bus.

5.  Melvin is going to run another Marathon.

FALSE

That would be a NO.  The First one was hard enough, and I want to give other people a chance to win.  It's only fair.  Being Delirious, almost running the wrong direction, thinking about other places I could be, craving Popeye's Chicken and watching little old men passing me by is not my idea of FUN.  I will, however be MORE than happy to root your crazy *ss on...from the sidelines .

6. Melvin has ben arrested.

TRUE

I was 16 and got caught stealing a package of Ham while my friend got caught stealing a Wrestling magazine.  This is a month after getting caught doing Graffiti.  I was on my way to a life of crime...sorry Mom!  lol..heh.

7. Melvin speaks several languages.

FALSE

Melvin speaks English and French.  That's it..and sometimes my French is better than my English.  Beyond that strange hand gestures and funny faces are used to communicate.

8. Melvin is a professional wrestler.

FALSE

Melvin once upon a time had a FANTASY about being a professional wrestler as he remembers HULK HOGAN PERSONALLY telling him to say his prayers and eat his vitamins.  Needless to say..being a bit light in the *ss swayed my decision and I have decided that being a Super Hero is enough of a job as it is.

9. Melvin is an experienced White Water Rafter.

TRUE

I am a pretty good rafter...i can take most CLASS III and maybe an easy CLASS IV (IV being the hardest).  Some Black people do like water...I'm one of 'em. I have ben known to wear my Leather Fedora, Shark tooth necklace,  and boots down the river...OK. I'ma stop.  THAT sounds Crazy.

10. Melvin is related to KEVIN BACON.

FALSE ( I think so anyway).  

People who talk to me on the phone always ask me that.

I don't think we look alike...and I haven't seen him at any family reunions any time recently.

KEV!  Call me..I need a loan!  Slide ya boy a couple mil!  :)

ha.  It's a wrap :)

Bulletproof Homey, My boy Max (R.I.P)

So...this was an interesting day to say the least...Monday.  Monday on a non-pay week ain't that fun no matter how you cut it.  Sooo..that being said, I'd gotten some good sleep, I was feeling good and I was ready for the day...sooo..I was like "Bring it on!"  Uh..YEAH.

This morning I was headed to work , talking on the phone, passing through the lobby when a Latino guy began signaling to me. Not that I was really paying attention...well, actually this guy had knuckles like he had been fighting IRON MAN, HELLBOY , HANCOCK and BATMAN at the same time.  He also had some Zino Cavarino jeans on (ok, I made that up) and some black wing tips and a shirt that was so dusty I thought he just came out of the sahari desert...Like I said, I didn't even pay attention :)

So, anyway..while I am on the phone, he asks me if I know "Gossen".  And he explains to me that "Gossen" is the big black guy on the 3rd floor.  Since there are only TWO black guys in the building..I am like "yeah..i know that cat" (since I am the small Black guy).. Black Men in Sherman Oaks are like Black Men in STAR WARS.  And unless I missed something, Samuel Jackson was the only Black man in the future (let Geroge Lucas tell it).  So, he goes on to ask me if he can use my phone for a minute.

I (of course, since I don't know this cat from a can of paint) lie and say I am on a call to my Mom..and I proceed to let him know after I am done..he can use it.

I go by my pool (away from this cat) and continue my convo with my friend.  Next thing I know..ZINO CAVARINO comes around the corner and is like: "Man...it's an emergency..can I please use your phone".  And of course he had just seen me get off, so i figure..ok.  I notice a few things about my new friend...as he explains his predicament.  Firstly, he says he got shot over the weekend. YES, SHOT.  I saw Batman over this weekend..this guy gets shot, Life ain't fair I tell ya.  So, I am noticing a few bandages and he is walking a little like Frankenstein (but I didn't know if that was the look or what)..but i wasn't trippin' YET.  SO he lifts up his shirt and has all these bandages and circular pads with wires all over his chest (!?).  

It's 8:30 am, I am standing next to the Latino 2Pac/ 50Cent by the pool and he is making phone calls to people talkin' about "all these people work for me" as he pulls out random pieces of paper. Alejandro is my new friend's name by the way.. I am not sure what is really going on, but I began to get antsy ( as I needed to go on about my day anyway) and I was tiring of Alejandro's random calls on my Blackberry..Plus the wingtips are starting to irk me.  "Maybe I can push Alejandro in the pool" i began to think..and maybe all those electro prods on his chest would short circuit his little *ss. Hmm...That wouldn't be right. 

Anyway, he starts talking about "Gossen" again..and proceeds to tell me he was supposed to meet him at 9am and could just  break into his place if he needed to. At this point, I decide that I have had enough of the bulletproof homey, take my black berry and take my happy *ss to work.  Eeesh.

On a different note, heard some sad news about my boy Max.  Now Max is the kinda guy who,  when I went to see him  and his roomate (one of my dearest people, Wendi) he would take his time coming out of his room.  When he finally did, he would usually come sit on the couch with me and catch up..not a real talkative guy, but we understood each other well. Most times, he was real curious about what I had to eat and would wonder alot of times what was going on with me.  He was cool just watching tv or just takin' relaxing around the apartment..You see..

Max was a CAT.  I never even liked cats until I met him and maybe he knew that because he was cooler than the other side of the pillow and we'd share space and hang like no one's business.

Sadly, he passed today..and If you have ever owned a pet or have one (or even have nice people in your lives) give them a hug, show them some love..because that's all they ever wanted anyway.  Max always showed the unconditional love with me...and we had that unwritten and unspoken bond and connection and so I'll pour out some Milk for my little homey (although I am not sure Max liked Milk)..but in any event...Love you Max..you will be missed!

Batman, Black Vogue and Fonzworth Betntley

Alright, I got up early today and went to see Batman at the Arclight Sherman Oaks.  I shoulda been goin' to church, but GOD gave me the pass today.  Let me just tell you this:

BATMAN IS THE BOMB.

Now, it ain't for everyone and it is clearly a DARK movie and I still don't know how I feel about the caped crusader having a velvet cape.  I mean D*MN..you couldn't find any other material?  It is straight out of pimps up hoes down! I won't spoil the movie in any way shape or form BUT I will say that the last time I heard BAGPIPES anywhere was when Roddy Roddy Piper used to fight Hulk Hogan (eat your vitamins and say your prayers brother!)..well all throughout the BATMAN movie they are playing the H*LL out of some bagpipes.  It is like..uh..like a siren.  Ain't no "Music"..there are scened where the bagpipes are just going off..kinda freaky.  Anyway..BATMAN is arguably the best overall Superhero movie this year..(at least until mine comes out)...although Hellboy and Iron Man were pretty dope too.

About a month ago, I got some emails from some of my Facebook friends around the world (yep, I am up on there) about this upcoming issue of VOGUE that featured all Black Models.  Now keep in mind, this was to be the ITALIAN VOGUE July Issue (in fact I got a call into Kobe ..yes, Mr. Bryant to the rest of you) to come over to the crib and translate to me every page in the magazine.  I actually was expecting some bilingual translations up on the page and to be honest, I was expecting the regular ads to have Black people in them too... (that wasnt't the case). But, to be honest the issue is STUNNING.  It features many popular models (Tyra, Alek Wek, Iman, Naomi and Liya Kibede) , many up and coming models.  Included are some other well known celebs looking as only fine as they can.  They even got Toccara (YUP, TOCCARA) looking reeeeeal nice. I'ma leave it at that. ;)

As far as my weekend music pick..Check out Fonzworth Bentley featuring Andre 3000 and Kanye West on "EVERYBODY"..one of the best videos of the year..and believe it or not, he has some niiiice skills.  He might even out rap Andre on the song!  Video is bananas and Sa-Ra has a bangin' track too..put it on your ipod, 8 track or  cassette..ok..I'm out! G'nite

Intro to Mel B. , I mean...it is my blog!

Alright.  My First blog. 14 years here, and it never ceases to amaze me that 1) I am still here, 2) it has been crazy (and fun) and 3) wouldn't have it any other way.  It's now 7 months into '08 and I have been evaluating how it's been and how I need to finish. I ain't gonna lie and say it has gone according to plan...let's see...what didn't happen?  

* Didn't run a 2nd Marathon..shoot, after the first one last year..do you blame me? That sh*t is hard.

*Didn't get to do alot of mini trips..well, I did get to London for 4 1/2 days that cost me over $3 g's.  With a free flight. Eating Fast Food...although it was worth it to see my man Omar (more on him later.)

*Didn't get to buy a 2nd piece of property.  Well, while it's true I do have a condo now, I was thinking that I was going to have a Mel B.  Tower next to Trump this year..I ain't greedy, but still..

I won't even harp to tough on that stuff.  This summer has been fun..Saturdays at the STANDARD Downtown sponsored by the lovely ladies of the HONEY COLLECTIVE (big ups to Monica, Shelly, Rashida and Eque)..if you ain't been, put it on your short list.  Kiss N' Grind/ SKIN events put on by Garth Trinidad and Vikter Duplaix (another event that is a MUST..you will will sweat that wig out). Between some real nice shows at Temple Bar (good lookin' out Dexter), the occasional romp over to BARCOPA in Santa Monica , the clandestine undercover drinkin' at THE LIQUID KITTY (any place that ain't got a sign in front and only has a blinking fluorescent martini glass as a marker...you KNOW it's  trouble) and the other occasional spots..can't be mad:)

I'll be back tomorrow..and we can find out about this guy Mel. B...:)